WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
