i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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