There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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