Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
