I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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