Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
