We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
