Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
