i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
