Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
