I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
