How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
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