i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
