why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
