i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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