She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Randomize
