He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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