Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
