You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
