I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
