I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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