He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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