Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
