Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
