I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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