i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
