If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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