I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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