Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
