OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
