Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
