Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
