my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
