Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
