The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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