Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
