My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
The ass gains better be worth it
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
