i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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