My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
