Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
