3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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