there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
