Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
its not stalking. its research.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
