im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
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