I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
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