Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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