so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
