I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
