Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
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