i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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