You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
